In Judaism, we’re taught two truths that seem to contradict each other: “the world was created for me” and “I am nothing but dust and ashes.” These ideas are a powerful paradigm for raising children. On one hand, every child has talents and skills no one else in the world possesses—G-d wouldn’t have created them if they weren’t needed. On the other hand, we’re all human, imperfect, and we are all bound to become but “dust and ashes” at the end of our lives. To help children become their best selves, we must designate them as special by recognizing their individual strengths, affirming that the world was created for them, and by enabling them to live with their human flaws and helping them to strive to overcome them.
“The world was created for me”
One of the most challenging parts of education is striving to meet the needs of students who are “out of the box” learners. Typically, we as educators strive to mold the child to conform to the standard way of learning that we use in school while disregarding the unique learning style of the struggling child.
I saw this play out in an IEP meeting for a student named Sarah. Teacher after teacher listed what she couldn’t do—struggles with reading, difficulty focusing, challenges with math. Her parents looked defeated and my heart ached for them. IEPs tell you what a child is bad at, but they rarely highlight what they’re good at. So, I got curious. I’d noticed Sarah had an uncanny ability to read people’s emotions. She once told me her brother was in a bad relationship, and sure enough, he later got divorced. Sarah understood the phrase “there’s nothing more whole than a broken heart” when none of her peers were able to explain it. Her emotional intelligence was off the charts. I shared this in the meeting, and her parents’ faces lit up. We started incorporating activities that leveraged her strengths, like group discussions where she could shine. Sarah began to feel designated—not as a struggling student, but as a girl with a gift.
Early in my career, I had a Tanach student who couldn’t keep up with the class. He’d zone out, frustrated, when we studied text. But on the basketball court? He was a star, with an almost poetic sense of movement. His access point wasn’t the traditional classroom, but I didn’t know how to reach him back then. Looking back, I wish I’d found a way to connect his kinetic learning style to our learning. Or at least to build him up for what he was really good at- being an incredible leader on the court.
The other day I went to a former student’s shloshim. Well, he actually wasn’t my student- he was officially not in my class. But he was the type of student who every teacher recognizes from a mile away- too cool for school and way too much energy to sit still in any one class. Though I never taught him, I felt like I had, because he was often in my classroom. He would strike up conversations with me, or any of my students- really whoever was available to talk to him. He was sweet and funny. But the type of kid who I wrote off in my head as “just not very smart and studious.” Fast forward 26 years. A former colleague informed me that this young man, Jonny, was his brother and he was actually very ill. I started to daven for him and I learned more about him. At the shloshim my colleague spoke about Jonny and I learned that he was a super successful litigation lawyer living in LA. He was a huge philanthropist. He was a pillar of his community. And probably the most surprising thing I learned about him- he loved all types of learning: the law, and anything Jewish. By the time of his passing he was one of the most respected trial lawyers in the state of California. Jonny was a finalist and runner up for Trial Lawyer of the Year for the State of California in 2022. One of the biggest honors in Jonny’s profession was achieving membership in the National American Board of Trial Advocates. It is a membership that is by invitation only. Not only does a lawyer have to achieve excellence over a significant number of trials but they have to be of “ high personal character and honorable reputation” and they need to be voted in by a board that includes members of the plaintiff and defense sides.
And as I heard more about him the feeling of shame and confusion welled up inside me. If I had been asked when I knew Jonny back when he was in 9th grade if Jonny would be employable let alone a super star lawyer- I would have laughed in your face. Jonny wasn’t a bad kid, but he was just well, not that good at being a student. Until he graduated high school and undergrad and got into law school where he began to shine and find his professional calling.
I think these stories are so important for so many reasons- but mostly because it teaches parents and educators to remember this fundamental truth about raising children: to be a true educator you need to see what’s invisible. You need to stop and close your eyes and recognize that the child in front of you is not yet developed. And his potential is way beyond what your senses can discern.
A classic study by Harvard psychologist Robert Rosenthal and principal Lenore Jacobson shows the power of this approach. They told teachers at an elementary school that 20% of their students were “gifted” based on IQ tests. A year later, those students outperformed their peers by leaps and bounds. The catch? Those “gifted” students were randomly chosen. The only difference was the teachers’ expectations. Because they believed in those kids, they treated them differently—offering more encouragement, challenging them, and drawing out their best. Believing in a child’s potential can shape their reality more than their innate abilities.
This is chinuch: designating every child as special by seeing their unique spark. We must close our eyes to surface struggles and recognize that a child’s potential far exceeds what meets the eye. This vision is beautifully modeled by Avraham in the Akeidah (Genesis 22). When Avraham journeys to the place G-d commands, he “lifts up his eyes and sees the place from afar” (Genesis 22:4). The Midrash Tanchuma (1:23) elaborates: Avraham asks Yitzchak, “Do you see what I see?” Yitzchak replies, “I see a beautiful mountain with a cloud adorned above it.” But when Avraham asks his servants, they see only deserts. Avraham tells them to stay behind, saying, “Myself and the lad will go yonder… and we will see what will be.”
| 3And Abraham arose early in the morning, and he saddled his donkey, and he took his two young men with him and Isaac his son; and he split wood for a burnt offering, and he arose and went to the place of which God had told him. | גוַיַּשְׁכֵּם אַבְרָהָם בַּבֹּקֶר וַיַּחֲבשׁ אֶת חֲמֹרוֹ וַיִּקַּח אֶת שְׁנֵי נְעָרָיו אִתּוֹ וְאֵת יִצְחָק בְּנוֹ וַיְבַקַּע עֲצֵי עֹלָה וַיָּקָם וַיֵּלֶךְ אֶל הַמָּקוֹם אֲשֶׁר אָמַר לוֹ הָאֱ-לֹהִים: |
| 4On the third day, Abraham lifted up his eyes and saw the place from afar. | דבַּיּוֹם הַשְּׁלִישִׁי וַיִּשָּׂא אַבְרָהָם אֶת עֵינָיו וַיַּרְא אֶת הַמָּקוֹם מֵרָחֹק: |
| 5And Abraham said to his young men, “Stay here with the donkey, and I and the lad will go yonder, and we will prostrate ourselves and return to you.” | הוַיֹּאמֶר אַבְרָהָם אֶל נְעָרָיו שְׁבוּ לָכֶם פֹּה עִם הַחֲמוֹר וַאֲנִי וְהַנַּעַר נֵלְכָה עַד כֹּה וְנִשְׁתַּחֲוֶה וְנָשׁוּבָה אֲלֵיכֶם: |
| Midrash Tanchuma 1:23And he saw the place from a distance- Avraham said to Yitzchak: Do you see what I see? Yitzchak replied: I see a beautiful mountain with a cloud adorned above it. Avraham said to his lads: Do you see anything? They replied, we don’t see anything except for deserts. He told them- stay here with the donkey … and myself and the lad will go there and … see what will be… | מדרש תנחומא 1:23וירא את המקום מרחוק, אמר ליה ליצחק רואה אתה מה שאני רואה, א”ל אני רואה הר נאה משובח וענן קשור עליו, אמר לנעריו רואין אתם כלום, אמרו לו אין אנו רואין אלא מדברות, אמר להם שבו לכם פה עם החמור שאתם כמותו, ואני והנער נלכה עד כה, מהו עד כה נראה מה יהיה בסוף כה שאמר לי הקב”ה כה יהיה זרעך, ונשתחוה ונשובה אליכם בשרו פיו שיחזרו שניהם בשלום, |
GENESIS, CHAPTER 22
| 6And Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering, and he placed [it] upon his son Isaac, and he took into his hand the fire and the knife, and they both went together. | ווַיִּקַּח אַבְרָהָם אֶת עֲצֵי הָעֹלָה וַיָּשֶׂם עַל יִצְחָק בְּנוֹ וַיִּקַּח בְּיָדוֹ אֶת הָאֵשׁ וְאֶת הַמַּאֲכֶלֶת וַיֵּלְכוּ שְׁנֵיהֶם יַחְדָּו: |
| 7And Isaac spoke to Abraham his father, and he said, “My father!” And he said, “Here I am, my son.” And he said, “Here are the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?” | זוַיֹּאמֶר יִצְחָק אֶל אַבְרָהָם אָבִיו וַיֹּאמֶר אָבִי וַיֹּאמֶר הִנֶּנִּי בְנִי וַיֹּאמֶר הִנֵּה הָאֵשׁ וְהָעֵצִים וְאַיֵּה הַשֶּׂה לְעֹלָה: |
| 8And Abraham said, “God will provide for Himself the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” And they both went together. | חוַיֹּאמֶר אַבְרָהָם אֱ-לֹהִים יִרְאֶה לּוֹ הַשֶּׂה לְעֹלָה בְּנִי וַיֵּלְכוּ שְׁנֵיהֶם יַחְדָּו: |
| 9And they came to the place of which God had spoken to him, and Abraham built the altar there and arranged the wood, and he bound Isaac his son and placed him on the altar upon the wood. | טוַיָּבֹאוּ אֶל הַמָּקוֹם אֲשֶׁר אָמַר לוֹ הָאֱ-לֹהִים וַיִּבֶן שָׁם אַבְרָהָם אֶת הַמִּזְבֵּחַ וַיַּעֲרֹךְ אֶת הָעֵצִים וַיַּעֲקֹד אֶת יִצְחָק בְּנוֹ וַיָּשֶׂם אֹתוֹ עַל הַמִּזְבֵּחַ מִמַּעַל לָעֵצִים: |
| 10And Abraham stretched forth his hand and took the knife, to slaughter his son. | יוַיִּשְׁלַח אַבְרָהָם אֶת יָדוֹ וַיִּקַּח אֶת הַמַּאֲכֶלֶת לִשְׁחֹט אֶת בְּנוֹ: |
| 11And an angel of God called to him from heaven and said, “Abraham! Abraham!” And he said, “Here I am.” | יאוַיִּקְרָא אֵלָיו מַלְאַךְ ה’ מִן הַשָּׁמַיִם וַיֹּאמֶר אַבְרָהָם | אַבְרָהָם וַיֹּאמֶר הִנֵּנִי: |
| 12And he said, “Do not stretch forth your hand to the lad, nor do the slightest thing to him, for now I know that you are a God fearing man, and you did not withhold your son, your only one, from Me.” | יבוַיֹּאמֶר אַל תִּשְׁלַח יָדְךָ אֶל הַנַּעַר וְאַל תַּעַשׂ לוֹ מְאוּמָה כִּי | עַתָּה יָדַעְתִּי כִּי יְרֵא אֱ-לֹהִים אַתָּה וְלֹא חָשַׂכְתָּ אֶת בִּנְךָ אֶת יְחִידְךָ מִמֶּנִּי: |
| 13And Abraham lifted up his eyes, and he saw, and lo! there was a ram, [and] after [that] it was caught in a tree by its horns. And Abraham went and took the ram and offered it up as a burnt offering instead of his son. | יגוַיִּשָּׂא אַבְרָהָם אֶת עֵינָיו וַיַּרְא וְהִנֵּה אַיִל אַחַר נֶאֱחַז בַּסְּבַךְ בְּקַרְנָיו וַיֵּלֶךְ אַבְרָהָם וַיִּקַּח אֶת הָאַיִל וַיַּעֲלֵהוּ לְעֹלָה תַּחַת בְּנוֹ: |
Rav Soloveitchik, in Abraham’s Journey, highlights this leitmotif of seeing: Avraham’s ability to perceive what others miss—his ability to go from being a seeker of G-d, to a seer of G-d. This is the essence of chinuch: seeing the divine spark, the tzelem Elokim, in every child. Avraham’s vision at the Akeidah teaches us to look beyond the ordinary, to see the extraordinary potential in each student. Educators must train themselves to see not just a child’s struggles but their unique gifts—in short, we must be able to see what’s invisible.
I saw this when I was tasked with teaching five junior and senior girls who were uninterested or unable to take Gemara. My goal was to reignite their Jewish souls to reengage with their Judaism. Knowing that art and music are pathways to the heart and soul, and that when students demonstrate understanding through creative means, their work exhibits complexity, originality, and transformation, I focused on incorporating the arts. I chose midrash because it teaches us to read the Bible literally and allegorically, offering a fresh way to connect. One day, we learned the midrash about Chana’s tefilla, which became the paradigm of perfect prayer because of her ability to open up to G-d and speak freely. I asked them to draw how Chana felt during her tefilla. The drawings were phenomenal, but more importantly, they were deeply engaged. I realized I was onto something. So, I stuck with this approach: I’d teach the pshat—the literal meaning of the text—then a Rabbinic interpretation, and ask them to draw their connection to the midrash with a write-up explaining how their art tied to the pshat and drash. Most girls used paint, pastels, or canvas, but one preferred photography and poetry. Their work showed such depth and originality.
We also studied the story of Sarah, learning midrashim about how challenging it was for her to give Hagar to Avraham, hoping to build a Jewish nation through a surrogate child. I asked them to create an image capturing why Sarah is still a heroine despite her struggles. One student’s painting portrayed Sarah as an angel with black wings—a paradox of holiness and imperfection—surrounded by dark colors to show her pain. Her write-up explained, “The darker colors represent how she isn’t perfect, after all she is human… The black wings are seen as a paradox since they could be so holy, yet they are black, a color that signifies the impurity of Sara’s actions in this situation.” This course was more successful than I could have imagined. We ended with an art exhibit where students shared the meaning behind their work. One girl, who’d felt disconnected from Rabbinic writing, said she now felt she had a voice in interpreting Torah. She later decided to study in Israel for a year, inspired by this reconnection. By meeting them where they were, I helped them feel designated—set apart to serve G-d in their own way.
Strategies for Educators and Parents
- Educators: Use PBL to give students autonomy and meet their unique needs. For example, in my colonial project, students chose their region and medium of expression(pamphlet, artifact, or presentation). This freedom made them feel capable. Observe each student to identify their strengths, like I did with Sarah’s emotional intelligence or the basketball player’s leadership. Incorporate those strengths into assignments to designate them as special.
- Parents: Look beyond school reports to find your child’s gifts. If they struggle academically, ask yourself, “What lights them up?” Maybe they’re a storyteller, a builder, or a peacemaker like Sarah. Nurture those talents at home. Try a PBL-inspired activity: have them research a family history project, interviewing grandparents or creating a timeline. Celebrate their process, not just the product, to affirm their unique value. Seek help from professional educators to hone in on your child’s unique strengths and weaknesses and ask that assessments and teaching styles be adapted to your child’s unique strengths.
“I Am But Dust and Ashes”
We’ve just covered “the world was created for me,” and now I’d like to turn to “but I am but dust and ashes.” While we want to help our children shine according to their unique strengths, on the other hand, we will fail our mission as educators if we raise the next generation to be self obsessed. I think at times in our effort to celebrate each child’s unique voice, we lose sight of the importance of teaching our children and students how to be a part of society and work with people- even those who we disagree with.
A family member recently visited our community and said something to me that is very obvious but I’ve grown used to so I stopped noticing it: it’s kind of crazy that you have so many different shuls on one block each with their own slightly different flavor of Orthodox practice. What kind of messaging are we showing our children? That when we don’t completely get along with someone, we leave and start our own minyan. This is not the goal of Jewish education.
We want to instill in ourselves first, and secondarily in our children, the character trait of humility. We want to teach our kids how to function within a society where they recognize that they’re part of a larger ecosystem. We might think that children don’t want to be taught that the world doesn’t revolve around them, but I’ve learned from some tough teaching experiences that children crave the safety of knowing that the adult in the room is in charge, and not them.
I learned this with a very tough 8th-grade class whose behavior was abysmal. They had gotten away with running the classroom for so long with so many other teachers that they didn’t even know how dysregulated and inappropriate their behavior was. Many other teachers either tolerated it or just avoided it by showing a lot of videos. Unfortunatey for me, I just couldn’t tolerate it. I was very strong, and for a long while, they really hated me and said horrible things to me. Ultimately, what ended up happening was that the class finally got in check (it took until May), and they didn’t thank me, but at least they were compliant and respectful.
Fast forward to two years later when these students were in high school. I was relieved not to be teaching them again, but the strangest thing kept happening- one of the most challenging students and her friends kept showing up to anything voluntary that I was teaching. The most difficult student from middle school was one of my biggest followers during high school. In utter confusion, I asked the school guidance counselor for his insight. His explanation to my question was as follows: no one feels safe when there’s chaos in a classroom and the students are in charge. Those very students who gave me such grief in middle school were the very ones who kept gravitating towards me in high school because when I set down firm boundaries – they actually saw it as a form of deep concern for them- because I was taking control of the class, and not allowing them to be in control. What this experience taught me was that while in the short run, children enjoy having power and being in control, deep down they don’t feel safe when so many of their teachers just give up on them and let them take charge—it’s a form of rejection and abandonment. No one wants to be abandoned. So their behavior just gets worse as a form of self-protection from the inevitable rejection.
Rav Simcha Bunim of Peshischa, one of the leaders of Hasidic Judaism in Poland (1765–1827), taught this idea in a commentary he wrote on the story of Gan Eden when he compared the punishment of the snake versus Adam and Chava. In the aftermath of the first sin recorded in Genesis, G-d gives Adam, Eve and the snake their punishments. The punishments of Adam and Eve seem pretty compatible- they are both told they will struggle in order to be a creator (whether it be to create children or to create food). The snake seems to get off the hook with his punishment – his sustenance will be provided for him readily:
וַיֹּ֩אמֶר֩ ה’ אֱ-לֹהִ֥ים ׀ אֶֽל־הַנָּחָשׁ֮ כִּ֣י עָשִׂ֣יתָ זֹּאת֒ אָר֤וּר אַתָּה֙ מִכׇּל־הַבְּהֵמָ֔ה וּמִכֹּ֖ל חַיַּ֣ת הַשָּׂדֶ֑ה עַל־גְּחֹנְךָ֣ תֵלֵ֔ךְ וְעָפָ֥ר תֹּאכַ֖ל כׇּל־יְמֵ֥י חַיֶּֽיךָ׃
Then God said to the serpent,
“Because you did this,
More cursed shall you be
Than all cattle
And all the wild beasts:
On your belly shall you crawl
And dirt shall you eat
All the days of your life.
Rav Simcha Bunim of Peshischa answers this quandary as follows: G-d is essentially telling the snake when He gives him easy access to food for all eternity is: I’m done with you. I have no interest in being in a relationship with you. Here’s everything you need to live- just leave me alone.
When teachers let students take control of the classroom – they are essentially saying to the students: I’m done with you. I won’t (or don’t know how to) be in charge of you. Just leave me alone, and I’ll let you be in charge. When parents give up on their child by refraining from punishing them appropriately, the message the children hear from the parent is:
I’m done with you. I’m no longer invested in your growth.
Even when it hurts to discipline, a parent and a mechanech can maintain her conviction when she remembers what we learn from Hashem: that discipline is a form of expressing love to our children because we are showing them that we are invested in their growth.
By embracing children even when they are behaving at their worst- and giving them appropriate boundaries, we teach children most in those moments that we love them unconditionally- even when they aren’t meeting our expectations. It’s through falling and rising again that they discover their unique role in the world, serving G-d and humanity with resilience and humility.
Strategies for Educators and Parents
- Educators: Encourage students to revise and retry after setbacks, as I did when offering students a chance to redo their history essays. Instead of accepting a B or contesting it, guide them to reflect on feedback and improve, fostering resilience. When faced with challenging behavior, like my 8th-grade class, set firm boundaries while showing you believe in their potential. For example, if a student acts out, have a one-on-one conversation to understand their struggles, then create a plan together, reinforcing that failure is a step toward growth.
- Parents: Support your child in embracing mistakes by celebrating their efforts to improve, not just their successes. If they bring home a disappointing grade, ask, “What can we learn from this?” and help them revise, mirroring the process I used with students. When they misbehave, maintain consistent boundaries with love, as Rav Simcha Bunim teaches—discipline shows you’re invested, not giving up. For instance, if your child refuses homework, discuss what’s hard and set a small, achievable goal to build confidence.
- Example: When a child fails a test, don’t rush to fix it or dismiss it. Sit with them, review the mistakes, and say, “Let’s figure out one thing you can do differently next time.” This mirrors how I pushed my 8th-graders to meet expectations, helping them feel designated as capable, even through failure.
